PRASA as Standup Comedy

Idly, I wondered what my options would be if I wanted to take a train from Jhb to Colesberg, as I used to back in the days of Toverberg Indaba. That would have entailed the Jhb-Gqeberha route. I looked on the internet. Three routes are mentioned, but only one service survives.

Jhb - Cape Town

I could arguably be picked up at de Aar for Colesberg. It is not close, but it has been done before. As in the excerpt from the 1949 SAR Timetable above, the Jhb to Cape Town trip by rail took 29 hrs 5 mins, with both "up" and "down" trains running three times weekly. In 1994, I remember the journey duration scheduled at 25 hrs 58 mins. In 2025, according to this site it takes 41 hrs 31 mins, but according to the Shoshalosa Meyl web site, there is no such service. I can't get a train to Cape Town. The words "Cape Town" do not appear on the Shosholoza Meyl site. One of the best known cities in the world does not rate a mention on their site, and does not rate as a rail tourist destination. How about THAT?

Sadly, too, my browser warns me the Meyl site is insecure. Great: the official Prasa web writers can't get even the basics right. Still, the site bids me WELCOME TO A PLEASANT EXPERIENCE, so all is well, right?

Jhb - East London

Ok, so Cape Town route is out of the picture. I could arguably be picked up at Springfontein, or Bethulie on the East London line. I thought the PE train of old had a higher ridership than the EL train, but PE aka Gqeberha has vanished. My dad would say "Well, I never!". Prasa giveth, and Prasa taketh away.

In 1949, the East London train departed Park Station at 14h00, arriving East London the following day at 15h15, a duration of 25 hrs 15 mins. It ran daily, excluding Saturday and Monday. Currently, this is the only destination against which there is an actual real-life, scheduled main line passenger train running. It is a MONTH-END SERVICE, it shouts. So it runs, at most, once per month. That it isn't the worst news, though. Try looking at the timetable. The trip starts in Jhb at 10h45 on Sunday, ETA Monday 19h26. That's 30 hrs 51 mins.

There is nothing about this schedule that makes any sense: Germiston to Vereeniging, for example, (a 90 minute bus ride) takes four hours. Bloemtontein is reached at 04h35, 16 hours out from Jhb. Then, at Bloemfontein, for no sensible reason at all (they don't respect your time enough to explain), one is faced with a three hour wait, before the journey continues, leaving Bloem at 07h35. Brandfort, on the timetable, is spelt "Bradford". Suddenly we are in Yorkshire, England! In the best timetable version of dyslexia I have ever seen, Cathcart is spelt "CartCath" (twice, on both outgoing and incoming schedules). You have to really try to succeed at being this stupid.

Sabotage

Nobody in SA cares about rail. If they did, they would realise as I have long done, that this is not stupiditity, it is daily, weekly, monthly and yearly sabotage, probably directed by a government agency in the pay of taxi organisations. Think about it. Every country in the world has trended to faster, more comfortable, cleaner and safer trains, competing with airlines for short trips of 300-500km. Not us, we have completed a trend toward slower (half the speed of a century ago), and now, no trains. Where Europe and Asia are deploying trains at 300kph, we have reduced our speeds from averaging 60 kph to 30 kph, and then zero, and nobody notices nor cares. Not so long ago, the minimum jail sentence for sabotasie was 5 years. Maximum penalty was death by hanging.

None of which gets me to Colesberg, but now I am curious. Let's look at Durban.

Jhb - Durban

Against JHB - DBN - JHB, a button tells me to OPEN. A popup appears giving departure times from Jhb and from Durban, but not the trip duration, nor what days the train(s) run on. As usual with anything smelling even slightly of old skool SAR, there is a warning: BOOKING IN ADVANCE is ESSENTIAL, it shouts that in big capital letters. To do that, some phone numbers are given, or you can, it reads visit your nearest Shosholoza Meyl ticket office. Still curious about Durban, I looked for timetables. There are none. There was a Comrades Runners train, but that was a one off. Let's be positive and say that one actually did run, and was not the shock that this was.

So, there are no scheduled services to Durban, but (for our history diffing purpose), if there were, it would take 30hrs 20 mins, up from the 1994 duration of 13 hrs 58 mins, and anyway, why are we shouted at to BOOK IN ADVANCE when there is no service to book for? What dunderheads!

There are actually two buttons for East London: it is obvious the web writer copied and pasted the previous entry, intending to put details for (e.g.) PE/Cape Town in, but ... no train, no details. So s/he just left the button in. S/he lives in hope there'll be some use for it one day. (Don't we all?)

The Trend

Comedian Jackie Mason had a routine: Notice, I have a soytan technique. I start out quietly, and liddle by liddle, I die out altagedda.

There you are, then. Prasa took their MO straight from a rabbi-turned-comedian's schtick.

For that, its CEO earns R7.8 million pa.

So What?

Kenya

Mombasa and Durban stations are both close to sea level. Nairobi and Johannesburg altitudes are 1795m and 1735m respectively. The Mombasa to Nairobi and Durban to Johannesburg rail tracks distances are much the same at around 600km. Since about the time that President Zuma resigned, Kenyans have been able to board a train at 15h00 in Mombasa, and travel to Nairobi at 130kph, arriving in Nairobi in time for supper at 20h00. Five hours, for something that Prasa wants you to do in 30hrs 20 mins.

Tanzania

Since just before our last general election, Tanzanians have been able to board a train in Dar es Salaam and disembark at Mogoma 3 hrs 30 mins later. Prasa does a comparable distance from Durban to Newcastle in 13 hrs 57 mins. The Tanzania track is electrified, does not suffer from cable theft, and travel speed is at 160kph, the same as Gautrain.

Booking

Have a look at online booking for Madaraka Express. Nobody asks you to go down to the nearest railway ticket office. Fares are payable via MPESA, a Kenyan invention. SMS-based booking appears to be available for Tanzania's SGR. No smartphone needed.

Try and book online for the Meyl. I dare you.

THAT'S WHAT.